I am not typically one to make new years resolutions. I almost never follow through and often give up after only a little while. I get tired of trying and slip back into the old habits I wanted so desperately to change only a few weeks before. I grow weary easily I guess you could say. I blame this on myself. I am far to lazy. This year I am determined to change. So I will need all the prayer I can get.
The Problem: Oh my. Where in the world to begin? I suppose that would be when I was about 4 years old. Give or take a few years. I don't remember much of my childhood, possibly because I choose not to, but this is one thing I will always remember. My father left. At the time I was too young to really understand. All I knew is one day he was there, and the next he was gone. No warning. He just left. I supposed at the time that was the best choice for him, and I have to keep telling myself this not to hate him. My teenage years this began to become a real problem for me. Why did he leave? What did I do? Could I have been better? Maybe then he would have stayed. These were all questions I asked myself on a regular basis. I battled thoughts of suicide. No one cared about me, so why should I? Looking back I find this to be terribly selfish. But that is difficult to see when you are in the situation.
How the Problem Affected Me:As I said before I battled thoughts of suicide nearly every day. I was often alone. Left to ponder life, and death. Things began to change for the better, but the worries, fears, constant battle to keep breathing and not panic never went away. I didn't trust anyone. Why should I? Denny told me he loved me, and cared for me, that I would always be his little girl, and he never meant a word of it. I say didn't, but in all honesty, I still don't trust anyone. When people say they care for me, or that they love me, or that they don't hate me, I automatically think that they are lying. How can they really mean it? Anyway throughout my life I have had 3 close friends, this is because I find making friends to be extremely difficult. Often thinking, "What's the point? Eventually they will leave like all the rest." Which for all three this has been the case. I drive people away. Breaking things off with them before they break it off with me. I think maybe it will hurt less, but in the end I am left feeling empty, and hopelessly alone. I worry constantly, live in fear, and don't trust anything or anyone. This way of thinking has been drilled into my brain and I can't seem to let it go. It is like the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
How To Stop Being Affected By This Problem: This year I am determined to change my way of thinking. I am determined to stop questioning and disbelieving, stop worrying, stop distrusting, stop dwelling on the past, and start having faith. How will I do this? I will start following through. I will think positive instead of negative. I will put my faith and trust in God. So week by week I plan to try and do one thing differently concerning my problem. This week I will stop holding everything in. I often think that when I talk about something with someone I am burdening them, needlessly, with my burden. If I have an issue with someone I just don't talk about it, letting it go unresolved, and dwelling on it. I don't ever want to make someone mad, intentionally or unintentionally. That way I can't say or do anything that is going to make someone want to leave. In short, I am a people pleaser. This week that is going to change. I am going to say what is on my mind, do what I know is right, and trust God with the outcome.
I know that those of you who read this, if anyone reads this, will think, "Why in the world would she share all of this with anyone who wants to read it?" I am hoping that if someone who is facing a similar problem reads this they can see that they aren't alone. Sometimes I feel terribly alone, but I know that there are others who suffer with this same problem. So that makes me feel less alone.
The Problem: Oh my. Where in the world to begin? I suppose that would be when I was about 4 years old. Give or take a few years. I don't remember much of my childhood, possibly because I choose not to, but this is one thing I will always remember. My father left. At the time I was too young to really understand. All I knew is one day he was there, and the next he was gone. No warning. He just left. I supposed at the time that was the best choice for him, and I have to keep telling myself this not to hate him. My teenage years this began to become a real problem for me. Why did he leave? What did I do? Could I have been better? Maybe then he would have stayed. These were all questions I asked myself on a regular basis. I battled thoughts of suicide. No one cared about me, so why should I? Looking back I find this to be terribly selfish. But that is difficult to see when you are in the situation.
How the Problem Affected Me:As I said before I battled thoughts of suicide nearly every day. I was often alone. Left to ponder life, and death. Things began to change for the better, but the worries, fears, constant battle to keep breathing and not panic never went away. I didn't trust anyone. Why should I? Denny told me he loved me, and cared for me, that I would always be his little girl, and he never meant a word of it. I say didn't, but in all honesty, I still don't trust anyone. When people say they care for me, or that they love me, or that they don't hate me, I automatically think that they are lying. How can they really mean it? Anyway throughout my life I have had 3 close friends, this is because I find making friends to be extremely difficult. Often thinking, "What's the point? Eventually they will leave like all the rest." Which for all three this has been the case. I drive people away. Breaking things off with them before they break it off with me. I think maybe it will hurt less, but in the end I am left feeling empty, and hopelessly alone. I worry constantly, live in fear, and don't trust anything or anyone. This way of thinking has been drilled into my brain and I can't seem to let it go. It is like the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
How To Stop Being Affected By This Problem: This year I am determined to change my way of thinking. I am determined to stop questioning and disbelieving, stop worrying, stop distrusting, stop dwelling on the past, and start having faith. How will I do this? I will start following through. I will think positive instead of negative. I will put my faith and trust in God. So week by week I plan to try and do one thing differently concerning my problem. This week I will stop holding everything in. I often think that when I talk about something with someone I am burdening them, needlessly, with my burden. If I have an issue with someone I just don't talk about it, letting it go unresolved, and dwelling on it. I don't ever want to make someone mad, intentionally or unintentionally. That way I can't say or do anything that is going to make someone want to leave. In short, I am a people pleaser. This week that is going to change. I am going to say what is on my mind, do what I know is right, and trust God with the outcome.
I know that those of you who read this, if anyone reads this, will think, "Why in the world would she share all of this with anyone who wants to read it?" I am hoping that if someone who is facing a similar problem reads this they can see that they aren't alone. Sometimes I feel terribly alone, but I know that there are others who suffer with this same problem. So that makes me feel less alone.
Thankfully the negative things that we feel as a result of our pasts can be turned around by the Lord. He IS the ultimate healer! The best way to turn the thinking around is to get in the Word, although I'm sure you know that. Our minds are a reflection of what we put into them and if we're putting in the good & perfect wisdom of God's Word, things can really turn around.
ReplyDeleteOh & I'm following you too. :)