Today, I didn't speak my mind. I didn't ask any hard questions. To be perfectly honest, I didn't do much talking at all. I reflected. On everything, but specifically, what I learned yesterday. I realized how angry I am, and how absolutely terrified I am. How can I say everything I want to say to them both? Am I really ready to know what they said to him? I know it will make me even angrier. But I need to know. Only by knowing this can I really let go of the past, and move on.
Why I am angry:What gave them the right to decide what was best for me? What gave them the right to make my decisions. I was young, yes, I know this. But how can they justify removing that person from my life because that is what they thought was best? Especially since he is my father. I know it is best that he left. But I can't help but be angry. I was never given the choice, when it was my choice that mattered most. I have suffered from constant fear my whole life. Anger towards him was bread in me. I was taught to hate him. He was scum. How can they teach me to hate a person they drove away? Sometimes I wonder if it was what was best that happened. I don't know how my life would have turned out if he hadn't left. But I do know that almost anything is better than the pain and anger this has caused me to live with.
Why I am afraid: I am of the answers. I don't think I am ready for them. I am afraid that I will hate them. I never thought I could hate them. Both have been like fathers to me. But if they hadn't drove him away, maybe I would have had to have father figures. Who's to say that is what was best? I know that if he had stayed, I probably wouldn't be living the life I am now. Nor would I have the people in my life now. The people who inspired this change in the first place. But if he had stayed, maybe I wouldn't have needed this change. It is scary to think that your life could have been drastically different and you were never given a choice in the matter. It is scary to think that your life will be changing drastically by taking a huge leap of faith. But, and I say this in all honesty, I would rather face the fear of the unknown, than let is keep me from finding true happiness.
I don't know when or how I am going to say what I need to say to them, but it has to be done. I know what I have to do. So now I just have to do it, holding nothing back. I need answers, and I can't stop until I get them.
Why I am angry:What gave them the right to decide what was best for me? What gave them the right to make my decisions. I was young, yes, I know this. But how can they justify removing that person from my life because that is what they thought was best? Especially since he is my father. I know it is best that he left. But I can't help but be angry. I was never given the choice, when it was my choice that mattered most. I have suffered from constant fear my whole life. Anger towards him was bread in me. I was taught to hate him. He was scum. How can they teach me to hate a person they drove away? Sometimes I wonder if it was what was best that happened. I don't know how my life would have turned out if he hadn't left. But I do know that almost anything is better than the pain and anger this has caused me to live with.
Why I am afraid: I am of the answers. I don't think I am ready for them. I am afraid that I will hate them. I never thought I could hate them. Both have been like fathers to me. But if they hadn't drove him away, maybe I would have had to have father figures. Who's to say that is what was best? I know that if he had stayed, I probably wouldn't be living the life I am now. Nor would I have the people in my life now. The people who inspired this change in the first place. But if he had stayed, maybe I wouldn't have needed this change. It is scary to think that your life could have been drastically different and you were never given a choice in the matter. It is scary to think that your life will be changing drastically by taking a huge leap of faith. But, and I say this in all honesty, I would rather face the fear of the unknown, than let is keep me from finding true happiness.
I don't know when or how I am going to say what I need to say to them, but it has to be done. I know what I have to do. So now I just have to do it, holding nothing back. I need answers, and I can't stop until I get them.
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