Be yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Well who would have thought by speaking your mind you would make people mad. I never would have guessed. Ok so I knew not everyone would be happy. I expected it. You can't expect to be yourself and everyone be ok with it. There are certain things people don't like to hear. But in the end, and I say this from recent personal experience, you will feel much better about it. Holding things in and not speaking your mind can be detrimental to your health. Not only mental and emotional, but physical as well. When you choose not to say something because you are afraid you will make someone mad or upset someone, and hold it all inside, you aren't being yourself. You end up dwelling on the matter, and how it made you feel. This causes mixed emotions, which we all know can make you feel sick. Well they do me anyway.

I don't have a lot to say today, kind of a short little paragraph at the end of the night, but I think this sums it up better than if I had written 6 paragraphs. Say what you want, don't let the fear of rocking the boat keep you from saying how you feel. If people get mad, that is their problem, and who knows, after all is said and done, maybe they will appreciate you speaking up, instead of holding it in.

Faith or Fear...You make the coice.

Faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Fear, a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Often times we are controlled by our fears. The impending dangers ahead of us are to frightening to move forward. So we choose to worry about, and dwell on things we will never be able to change. The future is not meant to be looked upon with fear. It is an exciting time with new experiences and opportunities. Yes, there will be times that we will be hurt. But we can't let our fear of being hurt keep us from living our lives.

Living in fear or faith:You don't always know the outcome. More often than not you are unsure of how something will turn out. Trusting God to take care of you is called faith. Circumstances may arise, and because of our human nature we feel the need to be in control. When we cannot be, we worry. It is our natural reaction to adversity. Paul told Timothy that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. When difficult circumstances arise, and we are plagued by fear, we must remember that this fear is not of God. Satan will do anything to keep you from running the race. So he presents fear. Fear is something that comes natural to us, so it is easier to be afraid than have faith. Faith is taking a chance. It is believing what you cannot see over what you do. We as humans, needing to be in control, can't risk taking a chance, or having faith. Why is it we are so quick to trust our emotions, which are always changing, but so hesitant to trust God, who is never changing?

God wants us to have faith, and trust in him. He is in control. Look back over your life, and tell me of a time when you faced adversity, hardship, trials, or any circumstance the took you out of your comfort zone. Can you tell me God wasn't there? It may have seemed that way at the time, but if you took a good honest look at it, you can see that God was there, taking care of you, in control. And yet we still struggle with faith. He has proved himself time and time again, and yet we still disbelieve. When you are stuck in a battle, it is difficult to see Gods reasoning. You are so blinded by the situation you can't see anything else. But I challenge you, when facing something, anything in your life, look back on a time when God, through your trials, made his presence known and protected you. Trust me, if you are saved, even if you are a baby in Christ, there will be a time when God has protected you.

Pastor said something that really caught my attention this evening in his sermon of being more than conquerors. When you have a thought that doesn't line up with Scripture. Thoughts of worry, fear, anger, anxiety, ect. Cast the thought down. Often times when a thought arises we tend to dwell on it, instead of casting it down. We know these thoughts are of the devil, and not God. Put it out of your mind, and dwell on scripture. Pray for God to help you keep your mind on him and his will for your day. If the thought comes back, cast it down again. No matter how many times it returns, just keep casting it down, and dwell on the things of the Lord. Eventually, you will become so focused on the Lord, that nothing else with matter. We are called to love God with everything that is in us. To desire to please him. Do you think it pleases him when we have such little faith in him? How then, if we worry and are controlled by our fear can we serve God. How can we serve him, if we don't trust him?

God is not moved by our fear, but by our faith. My challenge for today wasn't speaking my mind, nor was it asking questions. My challenge today was learning that living in fear is unhealthy, and terribly self destructive. I am the one that chooses to be afraid. Yes Satan puts these thoughts of fear in my head. But I am the one who chooses to listen to the devil and his lies. Satan can't make me do anything. I choose to be afraid. Or should I say, chose.

Anger and Fear...

Today, I didn't speak my mind. I didn't ask any hard questions. To be perfectly honest, I didn't do much talking at all. I reflected. On everything, but specifically, what I learned yesterday. I realized how angry I am, and how absolutely terrified I am. How can I say everything I want to say to them both? Am I really ready to know what they said to him? I know it will make me even angrier. But I need to know. Only by knowing this can I really let go of the past, and move on.

Why I am angry:What gave them the right to decide what was best for me? What gave them the right to make my decisions. I was young, yes, I know this. But how can they justify removing that person from my life because that is what they thought was best? Especially since he is my father. I know it is best that he left. But I can't help but be angry. I was never given the choice, when it was my choice that mattered most. I have suffered from constant fear my whole life. Anger towards him was bread in me. I was taught to hate him. He was scum. How can they teach me to hate a person they drove away? Sometimes I wonder if it was what was best that happened. I don't know how my life would have turned out if he hadn't left. But I do know that almost anything is better than the pain and anger this has caused me to live with.

Why I am afraid: I am of the answers. I don't think I am ready for them. I am afraid that I will hate them. I never thought I could hate them. Both have been like fathers to me. But if they hadn't drove him away, maybe I would have had to have father figures. Who's to say that is what was best? I know that if he had stayed, I probably wouldn't be living the life I am now. Nor would I have the people in my life now. The people who inspired this change in the first place. But if he had stayed, maybe I wouldn't have needed this change. It is scary to think that your life could have been drastically different and you were never given a choice in the matter. It is scary to think that your life will be changing drastically by taking a huge leap of faith. But, and I say this in all honesty, I would rather face the fear of the unknown, than let is keep me from finding true happiness.

I don't know when or how I am going to say what I need to say to them, but it has to be done. I know what I have to do. So now I just have to do it, holding nothing back. I need answers, and I can't stop until I get them.

Day One:Week One

Well who would have thought when you ask the hard questions, and speak your mind, you get answers you weren't sure you were ready to deal with. I have so many things to think about, but I feel this sense of relief like no other. Hearing what I heard today made me feel better. Why then was I so afraid to ask these questions? I guess because mingled with that sense of relief, is a sense of anger and resentment towards people I would never have thought to resent. I have a lot more questions to ask. I expect pain, hurt, anger, and lots of tears. But that is what this week is for. To gain closure so I can move on with my life in a positive direction. Only by getting closure can I begin to change my thought process and in turn my life. So I am going to challenge myself to keep speaking my mind, and asking the hard questions. The answers may bring heartache, but at the same time I know that is what I need to hear.

To my big brother I never met.
I never knew you, but I know I would have loved you. Hearing your story was painful for me to hear. My hearts aches and longs to have known you. I know one day I will see you in heaven. I can't wait to meet you. I know that what has happened was what God had willed. I am glad you didn't have to live in this world, I just wish you hadn't suffered. I can't help but wonder what you would look like, or what your personality would be. It is best that it worked out this way. I thank God for what I know of you, even without meeting you.

Change of Mindset.

I am not typically one to make new years resolutions. I almost never follow through and often give up after only a little while. I get tired of trying and slip back into the old habits I wanted so desperately to change only a few weeks before. I grow weary easily I guess you could say. I blame this on myself. I am far to lazy. This year I am determined to change. So I will need all the prayer I can get.

The Problem: Oh my. Where in the world to begin? I suppose that would be when I was about 4 years old. Give or take a few years. I don't remember much of my childhood, possibly because I choose not to, but this is one thing I will always remember. My father left. At the time I was too young to really understand. All I knew is one day he was there, and the next he was gone. No warning. He just left. I supposed at the time that was the best choice for him, and I have to keep telling myself this not to hate him. My teenage years this began to become a real problem for me. Why did he leave? What did I do? Could I have been better? Maybe then he would have stayed. These were all questions I asked myself on a regular basis. I battled thoughts of suicide. No one cared about me, so why should I? Looking back I find this to be terribly selfish. But that is difficult to see when you are in the situation.

How the Problem Affected Me:As I said before I battled thoughts of suicide nearly every day. I was often alone. Left to ponder life, and death. Things began to change for the better, but the worries, fears, constant battle to keep breathing and not panic never went away. I didn't trust anyone. Why should I? Denny told me he loved me, and cared for me, that I would always be his little girl, and he never meant a word of it. I say didn't, but in all honesty, I still don't trust anyone. When people say they care for me, or that they love me, or that they don't hate me, I automatically think that they are lying. How can they really mean it? Anyway throughout my life I have had 3 close friends, this is because I find making friends to be extremely difficult. Often thinking,  "What's the point? Eventually they will leave like all the rest." Which for all three this has been the case. I drive people away. Breaking things off with them before they break it off with me. I think maybe it will hurt less, but in the end I am left feeling empty, and hopelessly alone. I worry constantly, live in fear, and don't trust anything or anyone. This way of thinking has been drilled into my brain and I can't seem to let it go. It is like the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

How To Stop Being Affected By This Problem: This year I am determined to change my way of thinking. I am determined to stop questioning and disbelieving, stop worrying, stop distrusting, stop dwelling on the past, and start having faith. How will I do this? I will start following through. I will think positive instead of negative. I will put my faith and trust in God. So week by week I plan to try and do one thing differently concerning my problem. This week I will stop holding everything in. I often think that when I talk about something with someone I am burdening them, needlessly, with my burden. If I have an issue with someone I just don't talk about it, letting it go unresolved, and dwelling on it. I don't ever want to make someone mad, intentionally or unintentionally. That way I can't say or do anything that is going to make someone want to leave. In short, I am a people pleaser. This week that is going to change. I am going to say what is on my mind, do what I know is right, and trust God with the outcome.

I know that those of you who read this, if anyone reads this, will think, "Why in the world would she share all of this with anyone who wants to read it?" I am hoping that if someone who is facing a similar problem reads this they can see that they aren't alone. Sometimes I feel terribly alone, but I know that there are others who suffer with this same problem. So that makes me feel less alone.